My Life Without You
by Florence930
Summary: Moments of her life, past and present, at a time when she had him and when she didn't...


**Hello! My first Arwen fic so I'm a bit nervous hehe, anyhoos a tribute fic to my favorite TV couple ever, EVER. Was inspired by two beautiful songs 'Stars' by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals and 'In The Mourning' by Paramore . ****This one shot is set in past and present sections, the past taking place in the course of 15 years while the present taking place in 1 day, it's pretty easy to follow...me thinks. This is an AU fic with a few elements from the show.**

**I'm not sure what ages they were on the show but in this fic, Gwen is 21, Arthur is 22 & Merlin is 20 years old at the start of the past section & Gauis is a little bit younger then he is on the show because I realized he'd probably would be dead in the present time. **

**Also warning: A teensy bit of spoilers & This is a reeeally long one shot, so beware :)**

**Pardon any mistakes & what not.**

* * *

"You wouldn't." Gwen scowled, in that moment of confidence she tried to look as intimidating as she possibly can. It wasn't working as Arthur slowly made his way to her, a small bucket of water in his hands.

"Fair is fair, Guinevere." Arthur said, casually. Shrugging his broad shoulders.

"I merely splashed you." Gwen huffed as she backed away, rolling her eyes when her back hit a tree.

"It's my best shirt, Gwen."

"All your shirts look-alike." She said, unthinkingly. Her eyes widen slightly as she looked at him.

Arthur stopped, pretending to look offended, he dropped the act after a moment and said teasingly. "You dare talk to your prince like that?"

Gwen folded her arms, trying to mask her discomfort which was so glaringly obvious to Arthur, who was grinning. "It was merely an observation, my Lord." She noticed Arthur's disappointment at the mention of his title which confused her but she brushed it off. Propriety must be kept even in the most unusual situations like the prince of Camelot threatening to drench a handmaiden with a bucket of water. "All your shirts seem to have..." She paused, searching for a word that won't seem offensive. "Similar styles."

Arthur tilted his head, "are you trying to stall me?"

"Yes." Gwen nodded. She asked, hesitantly. "Is it working?"

He smirked, shaking his head. "No, not at all." He proceeded to walk towards her, he stopped when he stood in front of her. "Any last words?" He said with faux remorse.

Gwen looked up, surprised to find his head tilted towards her direction, the sun bearing down on them intensified Arthur blue eyes, invitingly, it bewildered her how she simply could not look away. However, he moved only a fraction more but that seemed to snap her out of it. She squeaked and unconsciously tipped the bucket over, drowning Arthur's brown trousers.

Gwen moved away from the tree, her hand over her mouth trying to stifle her giggles and shock. "I'm sorry, my Lord."

Arthur just stared at her, mouth agape.

Gwen started backing away once more, quicker this time. "But you only have yourself to blame." She inwardly scolded herself for saying that.

That seemed to snap Arthur out of his trance, eye brow raised. "Oh, really?"

Gwen chose that moment to take off in a sprint as she made her back to the castle, "have a good day, My lord." She called out, turning her head to see Arthur wave at her. She swiftly turned back, cheeks blushing.

She slowed to a pace when she reached the castle gates, she lightly panted as she walked through the village, brows furrowed when she thought back to what happened a moment ago. The prince and her had casual conversations before usually with Merlin in attendance but she's never seen Arthur in complete ease then that moment ago...and with her of all people.

It baffled her, she's just a maid, no one special. Why was he there at the lake and why was he standing so close to her?

* * *

Guinevere awoke to the sound of curtains snapping open and the sun glaring in her sleepy eyes. Groaning, she turned her head away and stretched her hand out, instinctively, to tap the other side of the ample bed. Her eyes opened and snapped her hand back to tuck it under her pillow.

"Good morning, Lara." Gwen said, against the pillow, her voice muffled.

"Good morning, your highness." Lara said, as she placed the metal plate on her vanity. "Your breakfast is here."

"Thank you." Gwen yawned, rubbing her eyes. "but I'm not really hungry, you can have it if you want."

Lara paused and looked over at Gwen who had her back turned against her, she expected this. This always happens around this time of the year, she barely ate anything the day before. "Just have a bit, your highness." She said soothingly. "You'll be hungry later on."

She turned her head to look at her hand maiden. "The food's going to be wasted."

"A few bites?" Lara encouraged.

"Fine." Gwen huffed, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. She sat up and shook her head, getting her bearings for the day. She got up and out of bed to an awaited Lara who helped her put on her silk dressing gown.

Gwen sat down and stirred her porridge and took a bite for Lara's benefit. She beamed, "this is good." Pointing to the spoon for added effect

Lara smiled before saying, hesitantly. "I heard the feast will start right on time tonight despite the cook's whining."

Gwen stalled in her breakfast, taking a subtle breath before saying. "The cook's always like that, she enjoys being pessimistic, it gives her life an added thrill."

She chuckled. "She does, indeed."

Lara went on making the bed, humming to herself while Gwen closed her eyes and continued stirring her breakfast, the image of blue eyes eclipsing her sight.

* * *

"He fancies you, Gwen...it's fairly obvious."

"No he doesn't, Merlin." She looked up and scowled at Merlin's amused face. "Keep it down, people can hear."

Merlin looked around him and shrugged at the bustling servants. "What's wrong with having an admirer?"

"Absolutely nothing but it isn't true." Gwen looked around her and whispered, "and he's the prince, not an everyday commoner."

Merlin rolled his eyes, "he's a clot head, that's what he is."

Gwen chuckled for a moment then stopped, clearing her throat. "Merlin." She lightly chastised.

"It's just..." Merlin shirked his shoulder. "I've seen how he looks at you."

Gwen shook her head, a small smile in place. "It's just your imagination and besides, even if he did..." She shrugged, "he looks at a lot of women like that."

Merlin stopped and gazed down at her. "You'd be surprised." His tone ambiguous.

Gwen looked away and smiled at one of her friends passing by, a serving girl who works in the kitchen, "I'm quite sure, I won't be." She looked back up at him, "really Merlin, you're making mountains out of mole hills."

"Alright, alright." Merlin chuckled, continuing there previous walk. "Stay ignorant, tis bliss after all." He sing-song.

"It's the truth." Gwen said, as she walked in step with him.

"Alright." Merlin said, nodding his head slowly.

"It is." Gwen huffed.

"Alright."

"Stop saying that."

Merlin looked at her, reigning his grin that was threatening to show. "Alright."

Gwen was going to say something then flinched when she heard a familiar, booming voice not so far away.

"Merlin!"

Merlin and Gwen turned around to see Arthur marching angrily towards them, servants jumping out of the way. He hesitated for a moment when he saw Gwen, then continued in his stride.

He only acknowledged Merlin at first. Holding up four light blue shirts in his hand, he said. "What is the meaning of this?"

Merlin opened and shut his mouth, scratching the back of his head. "Oh yeah, I was going to tell you about that..."

"Were you now?" Arthur dead panned, he flickered his eyes to Gwen whose lips were slightly upturned, he had a guess why.

"A bit of a mix up with the laundry."

"It was your fault, I'm assuming." Arthur said, folding his arms.

Merlin grimaced. "Maybe." He shrugged casually. "You can never have enough blue shirts though, they suit you."

"They used to be white shirts, Merlin. I want my white shirts." Arthur said quickly, harshly enunciating the word, 'white.'

"Right away, my Lord." Merlin nodded, keeping the humor out of his voice. He bowed, backed away slowly and quirked his head to Gwen who was staring daggers at him.

"Do you even know where to get them?" Arthur said as he watched Merlin's retreating form.

Merlin tripped in his step before turning back, nodding. "Sure, do." He turned around and started running again.

An awkward silence passed between the two when Merlin left.

Arthur cleared his throat, "suppose you're right."

Gwen looked at him questionably.

He shrugged, "about all my shirts having similar styles."

Gwen lightly chuckled then stopped herself when she noticed Arthur staring intently at her. "I'm sure they all have distinguishing qualities." Her tone sober.

"Nope." Arthur said, shaking his head, "all the same but different colors...but who has four white shirts?"

Gwen smiled, saying good-naturedly. "The prince, apparently."

Arthur looked down and said quietly. "I want to apologize for how I was yesterday, it was quite unchivalrous of me."

"It's fine, truly." She said, she looked around her when she noticed passer byers looking their way. They were attracting attention in the busy corridor.

Arthur noticed it to and took a step back, his stance stoic. "I shall leave you, I have to train my knights."

"Are the new recruits settling in well?" She asked politely.

Surprise flitted across his face before nodding, "strangely enough, yes."

"We'll have fighters as good as you then."

He blinked quickly, a making of a small smile spread across his face and a pink hue formed on his cheeks. He subtly cleared his throat, shifting in his stance. "I wouldn't go that far, Gwen." His tone nonchalant.

Gwen just nodded, confused by his reaction.

Arthur gazed at her for a moment before looking away, feeling very aware of the passing stares. "Good bye, Gwen. Have a good day."

"You too, Sire." Brows slightly furrowed.

Arthur smiled tightly masking the distaste of hearing his title from her, he nodded stiffly and proceeded to advance down the corridor.

Gwen turned the other way and slowly walked down the hallway, she looked behind her for a second to see Arthur already gone.

* * *

"I'll be back up around the afternoon to clean your chambers...will that suit, your highness?"

Gwen nodded, "Of course Lara, thank you." She paused for a moment, "although, I won't be here."

"Of course." Lara nodded, understandingly.

Gwen had to refrain from looking away. "I won't keep you from your work."

Lara bowed, smiling slightly, sympathy glazing her green eyes as she walked away.

Gwen smiled shakily as she watched her hand maiden leave her chambers. When the young woman shut the door behind her, she released a ragged breath. She rubbed her forehead, eyeing the wooden table on the other side of the room. She stood up and walked over to Arthur's table where all his papers were always strewn about in disarray, it was any wonder how he got anything done.

Gwen paused for a moment, her hand hovering over a silver key. She sighed and grasped the key tightly and proceeded to open the small drawer, she opened the drawer to reveal his wedding ring and that insignificant piece of cloth she gave to him so long ago, something he was so intent on keeping.

The image of their first kiss flashed through her mind.

Gwen backed away when an unexpected sob escaped her. She crumbled to the floor, staring at the table, tears streaming down her face.

* * *

"Alright Guinevere, copy this stance." Arthur said as he held the wooden sword in his hand.

Gwen tried to follow his movements, but rolled her eyes. "I look silly."

"You're doing surprisingly well, no matter what you say I'm convinced your father taught you as a child."

The bad history concerning her father's death was a thing of the past when it came to Arthur, Uther however was an entirely different story.

"No, all the little training my father did know went to my younger brother." Gwen said, as she tried doing the first posture Arthur taught her.

"You're a natural than." He watched the determination on her face and her eyes flickering shyly at his compliment. Arthur smiled slightly. "I didn't know you have a brother."

Gwen shrugged, "he left a few years ago, wanting adventure. He found normality stifling."

"I can understand that." His eyes glued to her, "but it must be worrying though, not knowing how he's doing."

"Elyan is one of those few people who always land on their feet, it's frustrating actually."

She swung her sword which flew out of her hands and landed a few feet away from a napping Merlin who was propped up against an oak tree. She looked at Arthur and grimaced, feeling very embarrassed.

Arthur chuckled and walked over to stand beside her, he placed his sword gently in her hands. "You're holding the pommel more than the grip, it'll easily fly out of your hand if you do it that way."

He clasped her hand and moved it right below the guard, his hand remained on top of hers, longer then necessary. When he realized this, he moved away, and stiffly inspected her hand work. "Good." He nodded. He sprinted over to collect Gwen's sword and ran back to her, he held the sword out once more. "Attack me."

"Pardon, my Lord?" Gwen said blankly.

"It's Arthur and yes, attack me." He smirked, "you attack, I'll be in the defensive."

"I can't." Gwen quickly shook her head, she glanced over at Merlin, annoyed that he hasn't awoke yet to rescue her.

"You did say women should learn how to sword fight, I'm giving you personal instruction." He shrugged, shamelessly. "To say I'm the best around here is a vast understatement."

Gwen suppressed an eye roll. "I meant women in general, not me."

"You meant yourself, Guinevere." He tapped the point of his sword with hers, "go, on...first position."

Gwen slightly scowled and got into first position.

"Good," Arthur nodded. "Raise your sword the way I taught you." Gwen did as he said, "Good, now strike at me."

Gwen took a deep breath and brought the sword down without much strength involved, Arthur moved her sword away with ease.

"Okay." Arthur said, elongating the word. "This time I want you to actually try."

Gwen glared at him which made Arthur smirk, she raised the sword up and brought the weapon down but in her clumsiness, it landed on Arthur's hand. He yelped and dropped the sword. He walked a few feet away, clutching his injured hand before coming back to her, his face pinched. It was obvious he was trying to contain a torrent of swear words wanting to come out, due to the pain not Gwen's miscalculation.

"Are you alright? I'm so sorry." She walked over to him and tentatively clasped his hand, she cringed when she saw his thumb double in size. "I'm so sorry, I- " She faltered when she saw Arthurs eyes boring into her, but it wasn't out of anger, it was something else. He gulped before boldly raising his good hand to move a strand of hair that fell on her flushed cheek.

Her breath came in light pants when his finger trailed down, caressing the side of her face. "Sire?"

He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them. "Please, just call me Arthur...Gwen, I have to - "

They both jumped apart when they heard Merlin's loud yawn, Arthur frustratedly ran his hand through his blonde hair while Gwen looked down, appearing to find the grass suddenly interesting.

Merlin stretched and made his way towards them, oblivious to the awkward atmosphere. "What did I miss?" He smiled, looking back and forth.

"I hurt Arthur's finger." Gwen said, Arthur quickly looked at her and smiled, brightly. She avoided making eye contact with the prince though, her eyes glued determinedly on her friend.

Merlin nodded, "Good for you." He grinned, she probably didn't realize the informal slip up she made.

* * *

Gwen closed the chamber door behind her, her face now clear and her tears gone. She acknowledged the servants and knights who bowed as she passed with a quick nod.

"Your highness."

Gwen closed her eyes for a moment before opening them, turning around she addressed the knight in front of her. "Good morning, Sir Leon."

He bowed, "Good morning. I just want to let you know that all three wells have been built in the lower village and all within budget."

Gwen smiled. "Excellent, you can thank the treasurer for that."

"It was your idea."

Gwen gently shook her head, "it was the people's idea." She stepped to the side, "we'll talk about it more in the council meeting in an hour."

There was silence for a moment before Leon spoke up, "pardon my impudence but are you alright my lady?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

Leon looked away, "It's just, today is..." He stopped when he noticed Gwen's face.

"I know what today is." Gwen said quietly, "no need to remind me." Her tone took on a hard edge.

"Oh course," Leon shook his head. "Apologies."

"No." She sighed, "I'm sorry, I'm a little tired. I think I might take a little turn around the gardens before the meeting starts."

"I'll ask Sir Percival and Sir Nicholas to accompany you."

"No, it's fine. I'd rather be alone." She noticed Leon's slight resistance to that. "I won't go far."

Leon nodded. "Alright, my lady."

Gwen nodded in return, turned around and tried to walk at a normal pace. She needed to leave the confines of this castle even for a little bit.

* * *

It was two weeks after Arthur kissed her in her home.

Her heart thumped fleetly when she thought back to how utterly sincere he looked as she gave a token of white cloth to him. It was nothing of consequence really, she almost didn't give it to him out of embarrassment. He's a prince who's used to grander things, after all.

But she recalled the appreciation in his gaze as he moved closer to her with perfect clarity. Gwen felt almost powerless as she gazed at him, time seemed to slow down when his lips were a couple of inches from hers and Gwen rising on her tip toes to meet his, instinctively.

His lips were surprisingly soft and warm before pulling away to attend the jousting match but his eyes that were so open before the kiss became unreadable afterwards as he headed towards the door. Gwen's heart tightened at that, maybe he didn't like it? His expectations didn't meet reality.

So after that meeting Gwen has avoided him ever since, to even look at him from afar caused a clenching feeling in her stomach and she didn't like it one bit. Of course, it was the humiliation of that day, nothing more.

On days after the kiss, she could almost feel the burning of his gaze behind her back when she'd pass him by without acknowledgement, usually when he was with the other knights, she can never look at him although a part of her wants to. But he never tried to approach her also and perhaps it was better that way. Their relationship was becoming strange and unfounded. Royalty do not form relationships with the help, friendly or other wise, it just isn't done. Well, you could count her relationship with Morgana but they grew up together...Arthur did too but he never talked to her, too busy acting arrogant and trying to please Uther.

He isn't a 'arrogant prat' anymore, as Merlin so eloquently calls him, at least not to her anyway. She will always think and wonder when was the exact moment things started to change between the two of them, when he decided to become so forward with her.

Gwen shook her head, trying to rid herself with those thoughts, she will not think of the prince any longer and she will not look at him tonight in the great hall in celebrations of Uthers birthday.

Unfortunately, four hours later Gwen was standing in the great hall trying her best to look at everywhere else but him. At odd times she'd find him looking in her direction where he was wedged between Uther and Queen Margaret of Nevern, but she always looked away before she could be pulled in by his beryl eyes. Gwen flinched when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Hello Merlin," Gwen beamed, placing a hand on her heart.

"Hello Gwen," Merlin smiled affectionately.

"Quite crowded, isn't it?" she asked, looking around her. "I can barely hear myself think."

"Waste of money, this whole thing is," Merlin said, as a juggler made their way past them.

Gwen chuckled, "Suppose it can be put to better use."

The pair watched a couple of fire breathers and expert jugglers for a while until Merlin mentioned, nonchalantly. "Arthur is looking at you an awful lot."

Gwen glared at him and rolled her eyes. "We're not having this conversation again, Merlin."

Merlin smiled, slyly. Raising his hands up, defensively. "I'm only saying Arthur is looking ready to kill me right now and I'm guessing the reason for that is I'm talking to you at this very moment and he's not."

Gwen furrowed her brows before slyly turning around to look back at the table to indeed find Arthur looking at them, however he quickly averted his eyes to join in conversation with Margaret and Morgana.

She frowned looking back at Merlin, "He's probably not staring at us."

"Oh, Gwen." Merlin laughed in disbelief.

Gwen sighed, "I genuinely don't know what to make of him."

Merlin stopped laughing, concern etching his tone. "Why, what happened?"

Gwen just shook her head. "Nothing...oh look Morgana is wanting wine, I better go to her." She walked away from Merlin who looked like he wanted to say more. In her rush to leave her friend, because she's very sure she'd tell him about the kiss, it only dawned on her that Arthur was only sitting a seat away from her mistress.

"Hello Gwen, dear." Morgana said softly, holding up her goblet, she smiled in thanks when Gwen poured the wine.

Gwen smiled in return before walking away, she stopped when she heard the authoritative voice of the queen.

"May I have more wine please," Queen Margaret said loudly so she can be heard over the noise. She looked into Arthur's cup. "For the prince as well." Gwen looked over at Morgana who rolled her eyes in her goblet.

"There you go, my lady," Gwen mumbled, quite aware Arthur was trying to get her attention.

"Thank you...what is your name, dear?" Margaret asked, curiously.

"Guinevere but people call me Gwen."

"Guinevere, how interesting..." She looked contemplative, before saying, "You're a very pretty little thing"

She seemed to be at a loss for words before Margaret spoke again. "Don't you agree, Arthur?" She looked back at Arthur to find him openly gawking at Gwen, Margaret tried to hide her smile.

Gwen's cheeks burned from embarrassment, as she poured the last of the wine into Arthur's cup.

"Yes...indeed" Arthur awkwardly sputtered, before turning his gaze towards the direction of the fire breathers.

Morgana chuckled, "you're embarrassing my brother and hand maiden, your highness."

Queen Margaret waved her hand, "it's all in good jest...isn't it dear?"

Gwen nodded her head and looked at Morgana for permission to leave, she took off out of the great hall when her mistress nodded, mouthing, "go." She took a deep breath and fanned herself, feeling very warm. She walked along the darkened hallway and decided to stop, she leaned against one of the arches overlooking the courtyard. She sighed, gazing up at the yellow stars.

"Gwen." A voice said, tentatively.

She rolled her eyes. "Really Merlin, I just -" Her eyes widened when she turned her head to see Arthur. "Sire?" She shook her head, taking a step back. "I'm sorry it was quite warm in there and I needed air. I'll go back in now."

Arthur exhaled and walked towards her to stand beside her, also looking up at the stars. "There's no need to go back, right away."

"Oh." She glanced at his profile, he seemed torn. "Is everything alright, my Lord?"

Arthur smiled sadly. "I thought we were making progress." He looked at her. "You must know how it irritates me when you call me that."

Gwen looked away, "I can't very well call you by your first name."

"Why not?" Arthur questioned, "I like hearing you say my name, it's soothing."

Refusing to meet his gaze, her eyes on the night sky. "I don't know what you want from me."

"What I want from you?" Arthur asked, confused.

Gwen paused before saying, "I know we've been amiable these past months but that doesn't mean..." She cleared her throat.

"Yes?" Arthur hedged.

"I'm not going to be one of those girls."

There was a tense silence for a moment before Arthur spoke up, his voice strained. "Guinevere." He grasped her shoulders when she didn't turn around and slowly spun her to face him. "Gwen."

When her eyes finally met his, she fought the urge to look away again, the softness in his gaze causing her heart to thump erratically. "Is that how I made you feel? my attentions towards you?"

Gwen shook her head. "No, not really." Wishing she could take those words back.

"Because I would never think or treat you like that, ever." Arthur dropped his hands and took a step back from her. "But surely, you must know how deeply I care for you...don't you?"

Gwen gasped and looked away.

"Apparently, not." He sighed. "Surely that kiss must have made some sort of hint of my affections?"

"I thought it was out of gratitude and something you regretted doing." Gwen whispered. "You never really tried to speak to me after that."

"I can say the same for you." A slight smile on his face. He shook his head. "I never regretted it, never will...before our kiss, I knew I liked you, I didn't realize how much until that day." He sighed wearily. "But what I feel is unorthodox, it can never be...at least I thought that until now."

She stared at him, unable to say anything in that moment.

Arthur chuckled, humorless. "I don't know why I'm saying this, it's unlike me. Besides you probably don't feel the same way and I basically ruined what friendship we have."

Gwen eyes glistened in the moonlight as she looked at him.

Moments passed and Arthur nodded to himself, confirming what he already knew or should have known. "Apologies for making you uncomfortable, I'll keep my distance from now on." The pain in his voice was evident. "I'll leave you alone now, you have my word." He turned around to head back towards the great hall.

Gwen's brows furrowed. Never being able to speak to him again or seeing the coyness in his smiles anymore or hearing the teasing lilt in his voice or his touch...Everything was registering in her mind, she couldn't lose all that, she'd miss him too much.

"Arthur." She called out, she quickly picked up her skirts and ran to him.

He turned around to see her nearly bump into him, he steadied her by holding on to her shoulders. They stared at one another, both trying to gauge each others emotions. Gwen reached up to shakily touch the back of his head, bringing his head closer to hers. Arthur dropped his arms to snake it around her waist, meeting her halfway.

His head bowed, he brushed his nose against hers, affectionately. "Are you sure?"

Gwen nodded, this time without hesitation.

"Thank God." He whispered, his voice relieved.

His lips brushed against hers lightly before pulling her in deepening the kiss, Gwen softly ran her hands through his hair before clinging to him, kissing him just as desperately.

Feeling his body pressed up against her in the dim corridor, she has never felt so complete, so very much alive.

* * *

Gwen aimlessly wandered around the gardens, touching bushels of lilys and lavender as she went, if she had the time, she'd take a walk through the woods.

Council meetings seem to happen nearly everyday, one problem after the next. Thankfully, it was never about war and hardly about murders in the kingdom, without Morgana's corruption and tyranny all of Albion was quite peaceful.

She loved being queen though, don't get her wrong. She loved Camelot and the people in it, it's just she never imagined doing it on her own, the first year was incredibly intimidating and she felt out of her dept. Of course, she had her queenly duties when Arthur was king and he took in her council and listened to her above all else but at the end of the day, he was the leader. Now she was and she missed his encouragement, she needed his close proximity like the air she breathes.

Gwen furiously rubbed her forehead, her headache getting worse. She'd have to see Gaius later on.

A branch breaking alerted her out of her musings as she quickly turned around, her eyes narrowing as she peered in the direction of the sound. "Who's there?" She walked a couple of steps more, towards the entrance of the forest.

She gasped when she saw a slightly shadowed figure running into the woods, away from the kingdom.

"Wait!" Gwen called out, fighting her better instinct, she barreled into the woods, her eyes darting from tree to tree as she ran.

She stopped after a moment and panted, her hands on her knees. She frowned as she looked around, the shadows creating an eerie effect but she wasn't afraid of these woods. She took one harsh breath and turned around from the direction she came.

It was foolish of her but the person looked so familiar, pain stakingly familiar with pale skin and messy black hair.

* * *

Gwen walked back and forth outside Arthurs chambers, her thumbs fiddling with a piece of string off her bodice. She shouldn't be bothering him, he must have alot of things on his mind. She sighed and knocked on his door, she'll just wish him good luck and leave.

The door swung open to reveal Arthur in his armor and Merlin a couple of yards away, picking up the princes clothes.

"Hello." Arthur beamed as he opened the door more allowing her to pass.

Gwen shook her head, "I can only be here for a few moments...I just want to wish you good luck, be safe and don't do anything silly."

Arthur smiled softly at that. "Come in, Gwen." He tilted his head.

"I can't, Tabatha is expecting me in the kitchens."

Arthur shook his head, not taking no for an answer. "Tell her, you're running an errand for the prince...she can't argue with that."

Gwen paused for a moment, thinking it over. She shook her head, "fine." Tossing him a sweet smile as she walked around him.

"Hi, Gwen." Merlin said, fumbling over the clothes in his hands.

"Hello, Merlin. How are you?"

"As expected, " he said rolling his eyes as he accidentally dropped the clothes on the floor.

"There's a basket over there, you idiot." Arthur sighed, rolling his eyes. His eyes became downcast when Gwen fixed him with an unimpressed glare.

Merlin just walked over the basket, plunked the clothes in it and walked towards the door, the seriousness left his face when he grinned at each of them. "I'll leave you two love birds alone, now." He ducked when an incoming book nearly hit his face. He was still grinning as he shut the door behind him.

"Arthur." Gwen admonished.

He just shrugged, a sly smirk enveloped his face as Arthur scooped Gwen in his arms and twirled her around eliciting a surprised squeak.

Giggling, Gwen said, "you're in a good mood."

Placing her back down. He said, easily. "You're here."

Gwen looked down and blushed, "when are you leaving?"

Arthur grinned at her bashfulness before clearing his throat. "My father wants us to leave in an hour, We got word that Morgana has been seen in King Tybalt's lands about half a day ago."

"Oh." Gwen sighed. "I didn't realize it was so soon."

Arthur tilted her chin up to see the disappointment in her brown eyes, "I'll be back in a couple of days, it'll be like I never left."

Her eyes furrowed, "I doubt that very much." Her eyes fluttered when he caressed her chin. "You want me to say it, don't you?" Her eyes opened.

Arthur smiled and nodded.

Gwens eyes became mischievous, backing away. "Well, I'm not...sorry."

Arthurs eyes widened before walking up to Gwen. "Oh...you're not?" She shook her head, squealing when Arthur grabbed her waist pulling her to him, "you were saying?"

Gwen playfully rolled her eyes and reached up to gently palm his cheek. "I'll miss you, so very much." Gwen's tone became serious as she intently looked in his eyes. "Please, don't do anything rash...promise me."

Arthur nodded, before placing his hand on top of hers, clasping it. "I promise." He kissed her palm. "I must go." He said but he still held her hand.

Gwen nodded. Her eyes drifted to his armor and noticed a tiny piece of white cloth peeking out through the metal. Her free hand grazed his arm, before looking up at him. "I didn't know you were so sentimental, Arthur."

"I'm usually not." He smiled before pressing his lips to hers.

* * *

Gwens eyes stared off into the colorful stain glass windows as she contemplated what she's seen.

Could it be him? It looked so much like him although he looked a little worse for wear, his hair seemed longer and shabbier. It had to be him, she's sure of it but why would he show up, she hasn't seen him in years, not since...

"Your highness...umm...my lady."

Gwen sat up straighter, her hand covering her mouth, her elbow on the table. "Forgive me Sir Percival, I was in another world." She placed her hand demurely on the table. "Can you repeat what you said?"

She noticed the other knights exchange glances with one another which she ignored.

"The people of magic born want to hold a celebration during the summer solstice in two weeks time."

Gwen had some trepidation about that, "I'm not sure." She sighed, "it didn't go very well last year."

It took a couple of years but Gwen finally lifted the ban on practicing magic which wasn't an easy thing to do. Besides trying to rid her own slight prejudices on magic, she had to make sure her people were for it, but the feeling was divided. But at the end of the day, she had to follow her instincts and she remembered Arthur flippantly mentioned long ago, "it's not of the weapon itself but of the person who wields it." Of course, he wasn't talking about magic but being boastful when he spoke about himself being a master at every weapon...But that saying could still be applied for the usage of magic.

"It would be unfair for them to not have their celebrations, while we have ours." She looked at Sir Percival, "could we add more guards this time round? I'm sure the locals won't start any trouble this year if they see knights."

Percival bowed his head, she can tell he's still one of the people hesitant on embracing magic, "oh course, your highness." All the other Knights nodded in agreement.

Gwen smiled kindly, "thank you." She clapped her hands, once, "what else is on the agenda?"

* * *

"That one there is Cassiopeia." Arthur said, pointing up to the celestial sky.

"Where?" Gwen replied, settling her head on the crook of his arm.

"That one right there."

"Oh." Gwen nodded, smiling. "I see it now." She looked up at him, her smile dimming.

"What's wrong?" Gwen said, reaching up to smooth away his frown lines. "Is it your father?"

Arthur sighed sadly before shaking his head, "I don't want to trouble you with my problems."

"Arthur, no." Gwen said, freeing herself from his hold to kneel beside him but facing him while Arthur sat, leaning against a tree. "I know, that there isn't any love shared between your father and I...but I love you." She noticed Arthur's face start to brighten at the last bit. "Your problems are mine."

He stared at her for a moment before looking up at the sky. "There's a legend that all the great kings, once they die become stars, bright and powerful forever looking over the land they once loved and ruled."

"That's beautiful." Gwen smiled, softly.

"It is." Arthur nodded. "But there's another legend, one for tyrant kings. Those kings are unwanted by the sky so the earth takes them instead, turning their souls into dust. There are no immortality for those kings, they just become lost and forgotten."

Bonnie sighed, "your afraid your father's fate will reside in the second legend?"

Arthur shook his head, smiling humorlessly. "I don't even really believe it but it made me wonder how happy a lot of people will be to see his passing, which won't be long now...That doesn't sound like a worthy king, worthy of being up with those fair and just kings before him."

Gwen grasped his hands, tightly. "Don't talk like that." She whispered.

He furrowed his brows. "You of all people don't have to defend him, Gwen. I don't want you to."

She scooted closer to him, "He has done horrible things, I won't lie but be that as it may, he's still your father and he loves you very much."

He brought her hands to his lips, "I suppose that should count for something."

"It does." She smiled as she watched Arthur drop kisses on her palms.

"Do you think I'd have a chance, you know..." He nodded towards the sky. "Being up there."

"Without a shadow of a doubt." Gwen said without any hesitation in her voice. She snuggled closer to him when Arthur pulled her in to sit on his lap, resting her head on his shoulder. "But it won't be for a very, very long time."

* * *

"Good afternoon, your highness."

Gwen looked at the feeble old man before him, eyebrow raised. "Please." She dead panned. "How many times do I have to ask you to call me Gwen? you were my physician for as long as I can remember, after all."

"Propriety." Gaius said, easily.

Gwen rolled her eyes before walking over, inspecting the many strange things on the wooden shelves.

"Although, it's wonderful seeing you, may I ask what I can do for you?"

Gwen turned around. "I have had a bit of a headache since this morning."

"Aww." Gaius nodded, knowingly. "I think I might know the medicine for you." He walked over to collect a small glass bottle, already prepared. "You can drink this now if you want." He said as he made his way towards her, he placed the glass in her hands.

"Thank you, Gaius." She smiled in gratitude before removing the lid, drinking the contents. She looked at Gauis to see him observing her, "what?"

"You do realize, my lady. In the last four years, on this day, you've complained about a head ache."

Gwen released a strained chuckle. "I sometimes get head aches, everyone does."

"That is true." Gauis nodded. "But this isn't an ordinary day for you."

Gwen looked away. "Suppose...it isn't just coincidence."

"Have you ever talked to anybody?"

Gwen sighed, shaking her head. "Who can I talk to? besides I have a kingdom to run...I'm fine Gauis, really."

Gauis looked far from convinced but he let it pass, for now.

"Gauis." Gwen asked, hesitantly. "There is something I want to tell you."

"Yes?"

"I was walking in the gardens and I think..." Her forehead creased. "I think I may have seen Merlin." She looked over at him, thinking he might have already known but with the surprise evident on his face, she knew it wasn't so.

"Are you sure?"

"I thought I was but I don't know." She shrugged, "from what I could see, it looked like him."

"What would he be doing here after all this time, I wonder?" He asked, his mouth down turned in concentration.

"I don't know." Gwen sighed, "but I hope it was him."

* * *

Gwen laughed heartedly when Arthur carried her across the threshold of his bedroom.

Placing her down, he said. "Queen Guinevere...I like the sound of that."

She looked at him coyly. "It might take some time getting used to it but I think I'll manage."

Arthur chuckled before walking over to his table, grabbing a jug of wine and two goblets. "Well, we'll have the rest of our lives to get used to it."

Gwen walked over to him, taking a goblet from his outstretched hand. "Oh, I think I'll get used to being Mrs. Pendragon in no time at all." She looked down at herself, a burgundy velvet dress that clung to her, emphasizing her small curves. "It's these complicated dresses. I can't imagine women actually wearing these for long periods." She looked up at him. "Don't you agree?"

Her heart stuttered when Arthur looked at her with hooded eyes as he placed the goblet on the table. "No," his voice strained, "can't imagine it." His eyes roved her figure. "You look beautiful, though."

"Thank you." Gwen said, softly.

Arthur eyes quickly went to the bed before flickering back at her, he scratched the back of his neck, feeling this overwhelming need for her.

Gwen felt light-headed as she stepped right in front of him, she stood on her tiptoes and pecked his lips. "I love you."

Arthur grinned, sounding very relieved, he said. "I love you too so very much, you have no idea."

She smiled before saying anxiously. "You know, I've never...you know this already" she looked down and blushed.

"I do," He whispered, looking at her as if she was an incandescent goddess. He reached out to trace his thumb against her bottom lip.

Feeling suddenly confident, Gwen took a step back from him, much to Arthurs confusion. She looked at him for a moment before shyly reaching behind her to undue the ties of her dress.

Arthur gulped, his eyes widening but it soon tuned into amusement when he saw Gwen struggling with her dress, "Would you like any help?"

Gwen quickly shook her head. "No, it's fine." She said a little shakily. After a while, she dropped her hand, pouting. "Maybe a little bit of help would be nice."

Arthur nodded stiffly, walking to her while Gwen turned around and pushed aside her long hair. She stood there for a while, trying to remain calm although his finger tips against her warm skin were causing the exact opposite effect.

"Damn." Arthur whispered.

Gwen suppressed a giggle, she relaxed a little. "Is everything alright?"

"You're right these dresses are unnecessarily complicated." Gwen stalled when she heard a bit of fabric rip. "Umm, yeah...I may torn a bit of your dress."

"You'll now have Penelope to answer to." Gwen said, calmly.

"Oh, God forbid." Arthur muttered, after a while he managed to unlace the ribbons, the exposed strip skin causing his mouth to go dry, he cleared his throat. "Despite that mishap, I've finally succeeded."

Gwen nodded, she honestly felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. She turned around, smiling embarrassingly. She took a shaky breath, "I honestly can not believe how nervous I am." She rolled her eyes.

"Gwen." He said, softly. "Admittedly, I'm just as nervous as you are."

"Really?" She brought her hands of rest against his chest, the feel of his heavy heartbeat beneath her finger tips.

"Yes," He nodded. "I've waited so long for this moment."

"Me too," she whispered, her finger tips tracing over the thin fabric of his tunic.

Repressing a shudder to her touch, he pulls her close, her hands still splayed out on his chest, "Then I suppose their's no point feeling nervous because it's us."

After a short moment, she nodded. "You're right." She moved her hands up to tentatively play with the strings of his shirt, "it's us." She untied the strings while Arthurs hands roamed her bare back.

She started pulling him backwards towards the direction of the bed, her lips never leaving his.

* * *

Gwen sighed in relief as she walked along the stony shore looking over the calm lake. She didn't exactly sneak out of her castle although the only person she told was Sir Leon, again he had reservations about letting her go on her own. But during the years they became close friends and he knew on this day, she needed to be on her own. Especially here.

She smiled faintly when she relived that day when she 'accidentally' tossed water on Arthurs shirt.

She watched the spectral fog hover over the lake as she sat down, uncaring of the dirt on her dress. She brought her knees to her chest and hugged herself around her middle. Gwen didn't know how long she stayed like this but as she felt someone approach, she tensed up for a moment before smiling slightly as the person sat beside her.

"I had a feeling you'd come here."

Merlin exhaled. "That's why I came." He said, simply.

They stayed like this in companionable silence until Merlin spoke up. "Are you still upset, I never brought him home?"

Gwen shook her head. "You did what you thought was best..." She faltered, taking a breath. "I understand why you brought him to the lakes of Avalon, with his destiny...it's very fitting."

He quiet for a moment before saying. "Thank you but that's not what I meant."

Gwen nodded, knowingly. "I was upset Merlin...I didn't mean those hurtful things I said to you." She turned her head to look at him, in these past years he's aged significantly, a few white hairs peaked through his sideburns. He had stubble, he looked more mature, a man who's seen a lot of life. "You didn't give me any time to apologize though." She looked at his profile, pointedly. "You left the very next day."

Merlin sighed, turning to face her. "There wasn't any more reason to stay."

She managed to keep the hurt off her face. "You could have stayed, their were other reasons to stay." She said, calming. "Like Gaius, he misses you."

"How is he?"

Gwen smiled, fondly. "He'll outlive us all, I imagine."

Merlin chuckled, picking at the dirt on the ground. "I'm sure he will."

She saw the kind and awkward boy many years ago in that moment, oh how she missed her friend.

Gwen frowned, gazing back to the waters. "I thought I was stronger than this." She said quietly, after a moment.

Merlin looked at her. "You are strong, Gwen."

"I'm not." She shook her head, closing her eyes as silent tears fell down her cheeks. "I used to be, growing up to watch your mother, father and brother perish before you, you grow a tougher skin because of it. With Arthur..." She harshly exhaled. "It's entirely different, the pain of losing him was so crippling, it weakens you, it makes you a different person."

He placed his hand on shoulder. "Gwen..."

She laughed, bitterly, wiping her tears. "I'm still in love with a man who's been dead for five years...I keep his things in a locked drawer because I can't bear to look at them." She shook her head. "If that's not the very definition of weak, I don't know what is."

"Gwen." He said, softly. Gwens slowly opened her eyes, to see his glisten with unshed tears. "There isn't an expiry on love, especially the kind of love you and Arthur had, you'll always love him. The only way you'll move on from this is if you embrace his life...and death."

"Why weren't you here? we should have mourned together." She whispered.

He dropped his hand, "you know why."

"I don't." Her brows furrowed. "Not really...why?"

Merlin sighed, running his hands through his hair. "You were right that day, Arthur was my responsibility and I was the reason he died."

Gwen shook her head, quickly. "I was angry. I didn't mean a word of it."

"Whether you meant it or not, it was true. Looking back at all the things I could have done differently...it still plagues my mind" He looked at the lake. "I couldn't be here anymore, it just reminded me of my failure, to him...to you."

"Destiny was at fault, not you...you've never failed us."

"Hopefully in time, I'll start to believe that." A single tear streamed down his cheek, he smiled. "Would you like to see something?"

"What?" She asked, curious.

He looked back at her and smirked. Closing his eyes, he uttered a Latin incantation.

Gwen gasped as she turned her attention to the lake. A massive ball of water popped out of the lake which slowly formed into a twelve-foot dragon, it started to fly over head, twirling its body around, ducking and diving over the scattered trees.

Eyes wide, she looked at him. "Is it real?"

Merlin shook his head, "it's merely a party trick."

Gwen chuckled as she looked at the sky.

"Why did you lift the ban?" Merlin asked, suddenly.

"When you told about me your magic and all the things you did for all of us, not just Arthur. I knew that if we were to succeed the battle in Camlann that magic would be brought to Camelot. It's the right thing to do." She added, softly, "and it's what he would have done."

A look of pride, enveloped Merlin's features but she didn't see it.

"Maybe this time next year, we could go to the lakes of Avalon."

Gwen closed her eyes for a second, "I'd like that." She said, quietly. She looked back at him. "Come back to Camelot, their's a feast being held in Arthur's honor tonight...at least stay for that."

There was a tinge of hesitance in his blue eyes, but that faded away as he nodded, smiling. "Alright."

"Really?" Gwen beamed, "I thought I'd have to persuade you...perhaps you can stay longer, as well?"

Merlin laughed, "we'll see."

Gwen rested her head on his shoulder, watching the dragon dive into the water and shimmy its way out, causing chortles from both persons. "He would be so proud of you, Gwen."

Fresh tears streamed down her face at that. "Thank you." She smiled.

* * *

The blustering winds nearly took down the tent the King and Queen were staying in.

She watched the hundreds of other tents, where men in armor poured out, gathering their horses and armor. She shivered.

"Guinevere, come inside, you'll freeze."

She turned around to look at her husband, all dressed in the Camelot armor and red cape. "I know I already asked you this, but do you have to go?"

"Gwen." He sighed, "I am their king, this has to end once and for all."

"I know." Gwen looked away, shaking her head, tears threatening to spill. "It's just, I have this gnawing feeling that after this moment, I may never see you again."

Arthur walked over to her and gently clasped her face with his hands, his thumps wiping away her tears. "I love you, with all my heart."

Gwen closed her eyes, causing more tears to fall. "I love you too." She whispered, wearily.

"If this is indeed the last time we see one another..." He said, brushing the hair back from her face. "Know, that I will always be with you."

"Or watching over us, from above."

He smiled, dropping his hands and pulling her to him, he clung to her as he rested his forehead on her shoulder.

She tightly wrapped her arms around his waist, uncaring of the discomfort of the chain mail. "Please, come back to me." She urged, tears streaming steadily down her face. "That's all I want."

She could feel him nodding, he lifted his head and kissed her forehead. When he pulled away, Gwen brought his face down to kiss him with all the passion she could muster at a time like this, he responded in kind. They pulled away, breathless. As they looked into each others eyes, a horn blew at a distance.

Arthur kissed her on the forehead, once more, before taking a step back. "I must go."

Gwen only nodded, resigned.

When they walked out of the tent to see the men forming organised lines, Merlin stepped into their periphery, with Arthurs horse. "There you go, my Lord."

"Thank you, Merlin...I didn't even have to ask you this time, I see you're not entirely useless."

Merlin only grimaced, nodding. He didn't seem to have the energy to feel provoked at this moment in time.

Arthur furrowed his brows, before hugging Gwen for a short moment. He reluctantly pulled away and proceeded to get on his horse.

"Take care of him." Gwen whispered to her friend, smiling tightly when Arthur nodded to her. "But, please be careful too." She and Merlin exchanged knowing glances.

It's been two days since Merlin told Gwen what and who he was, it was at a moment of pure anxiety for Gwen in the upcoming battle and Merlin just couldn't hold in his secret any longer, not to his best friend anyway. He recalled the fear in her eyes when he told her but as she looked at his nervous frame, she knew he was just as frightened but for different reasons. A small smile soon enveloped her features as she hesitantly stepped forward to hug him, Merlin had never felt so grateful in his life.

"I'll do my best, Gwen." He briefly embraced her, dropping a kiss on her cheek.

"Did you just kiss my wife?" Arthur asked in a affronted tone.

Merlin looked at Arthur and nodded, "yeah, I did." He shrugged, casually.

Arthur rolled his eyes at Merlin before looking at Gwen intently, trying to convey every single, loving emotion he felt for her.

Gwen nodded, she understood.

Arthur nodded, once, before galloping down to the clearing to meet his men, Merlin trailing behind him.

She watched as her husband's retreated figure became smaller and smaller, she continued to look even when she could no longer see him.

* * *

Gwen stood by her chamber window, gazing up at the clear, starry sky. It was a few hours after the feast. She grinned when she pictured the reception Merlin received when she returned with him, especially his encounter with Gaius who scolded him at first for leaving then embraced him in a parental hug.

He told her he wasn't sure how long he was staying in Camelot but she had a feeling it would be a while, he seemed so cheerful sitting among his friends, catching up on old times and telling them what he's been up to these past couple of years, for that she was glad.

She looked down at her hands, playing with Arthurs wedding ring, placing it loosely on her finger and taking it back off before putting it back on. She took a deep breath, her attention back to the stars.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! If you did manage to finish this :P Not exactly happy with this but I'm so relieved it's done, it took ages. After watching the last ever ep (I'll admit, I sobbed like a baby), I really got riled up with writing an arwen fic then I kinda lost some steam on it, then I got it back again, yay! Wah! I'm gonna miss this show. **


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